Monday, June 3, 2013

6 Words that Ought not Exist

Words that Ought to be removed from the English language
I love words. I love the way they look on a page. I love the way handwritten notes make you feel. I love the smell of old ink on old paper. I love the way they sound. I think that fact has saved our marriage. I’ve often told my husband that I could listen to him read the phonebook and be perfectly happy. That works well, as when expounding on a topic that my husband finds interested, he can talk for hours with nary a breath. I love the way they feel in my mouth. Have you ever paid attention to the way words feel? They way your tongue buzzes and your lips move? It’s fascinating. All of that notwithstanding, there are some words that I strongly feel ought not exist. I have included a partial list below; I hope you enjoy.
1. Irregardless - This is easily number one. I despise this word, and while I don’t find myself to be a fickle or judgmental person repeat offenses to often lead to a bit of rancor on my part. Perhaps I’m putting that lightly. You know the scene at the end of “Disney’s Tangled” wherein Mother Gother shrivels and screams, tugging at her cloak? That’s me when I hear that word. Without the mercy of death at the end.
2. Literally - This word would strike me as merely mediocre, were it not for human error. It does have the pleasant, tongue tickling l-t-l combination, after all. However, pesky humans repeatedly using this word to describe emotions and situations that are patently NOT literal have insured its position as number two on this list. It figuratively makes steam come out of my ears. It literally sets my teeth on edge. In either case, it needs to go.
3. Seriously - again, I blame people. Specifically, I blame “Grey’s Anatomy.” The popularity of this word has reduced generations whose debate skills had already grown questionable to carrying on entire conversations by simply repeating this world with various inflections. Seriously? You all sound like a 1980’s mockery of valley girls. Seriously? Seriously. It needs to be banned. Seriously.
4. Environment - Okay, I’ll admit to a bit of a personal vendetta here. It’s not that I don’t like the environment. I do. However, some time about fourth grade I discovered that there was an “r” in this word somewhere, and that fact has burned itself into my memory. However, I cannot for the life of me remember precisely where the “r” belongs. This results in both verbal and written hiccups as I attempt to properly spell/say this word. Sadly, my brain is Teflon in regards to this fact. So, let’s just get rid of it, okay?
5. Got- This word is just unpleasant. It doesn’t look attractive, either written in longhand or typed. It doesn’t sound pleasant. Try saying it out loud. It sounds like you are having some unfortunate bodily function. Beyond that, it lends itself to so much unfortunate usage. “He’s got to do something.” “You’ve got to take care of this.” “I got one the other day.” Yuck. Gross. Then, you add in more human error and it become “gots,” For example, “I gots to take a shower later.” “Do you gots any juice?” It is beyond help, I’m afraid. Do not resuscitate.
6. Fart - Speaking of unfortunate bodily functions, when did it become acceptable to use words such as this atrocity in polite company? It’s especially ugly coming out of the mouths of children. I don’t feel like this particular act needs a word at all. Or explanation. Or comment. Ever. Even if a case could be made, however, what an ugly, horrible, tacky word. Tacky. Its elimination would certainly freshen the air.
So, what do you think? Do you have your own list? What are your verbal or written pet peeves? I’d love to hear from you.

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